Amherst 01002

This Poet's Not Dead.....

2011-06-25T08:23:00.008-04:00

""You sold me a dead poet!"
"I did not."
"Yes, you did."
"What evidence have you that I sold you a dead poet?"
This poet has not published in the past nine months!"
"That's not evidence, sir!"
"You have sold me a dead POET, I tell you!!"

"Calm yourself, sir. This shop sells pets, not poets."

"Yes, I know. You also sold me a dead parrot. *

Emily, is honored to be a dead poet, but is not quite dead yet.

Bicyclists: Wee Warning Wanted

2010-08-03T13:19:00.003-04:00

As this lovely lady explained to me, the whooshing by of bikes can be disconcerting and unbalancing because it happens so silently and swiftly.

So, bicyclers, a quick call to say "Passing on the left", or a jingle of the bell, whatever, will make this walker feel a bit more confident on the Norwottuck Rail Trail.

Wee Wooly Sheep

2010-08-03T13:18:00.002-04:00

Wee woolly sheep (baaa baaaaa baaaaa) who like to bleat,

Send our wishes, despite all the heat.

With all our love, we'd like to say,

Happy Mirthday!

-- a poem written by an obsessed person dressed as a sheep for a July birthday party on a porch in Amherst, MA.

Berte nee Froukje de Tocqueville de Jeu

2010-06-15T16:47:00.004-04:00

Alexis de Tocqueville wandered the land,
America the vast, a country unplanned,
By train and by boat, he travelled afar,
He had but a horse, no motor, no car.

Prisons his subject, but finding not much,
He talked to the English, the French, and the Dutch,
At heart it was people he chose to pursue,
Americans becoming - red, white, and blue.

He penned a new story, his classic tract:
Democracy in America, part fiction, part fact,
Chronicle classic of farm and town hall,
Eight score and some, the work has stood tall.

But eons have passed since Tocequeville's great tome.
Another observer has called these States home.
Who is this person, this master of clue?
Tis Berte nee Froukje, de Tocqueville de Jeu.

With camera in hand, and notebook in tow
Hither and thither she'd travel and go,
Wim her companion, but Berte in charge,
Traversing a country small place and large.

Brimfield's antiques to Maine's rocky coast,
Nevada's casinos, Utah's rock red ghosts.
Navajo country, the nation's Great Parks,
She read in the morning, watched movies at dark.

Bike shops in Boston, Jamaica Plain art,
Tanglewood music, New York's Central Park.
American politics, from Town Meeting to Prez,
'Twas Obama's great loss, not to see her son wed!

She climbed great Mt Orient, always up for a walk,
On return to the Netherlands, she'll give quite a talk,
Humbly omitting her personal feats,
Like fixing Joe's cricks, and Gina's cold feet.

The finale will find her a fan of James Rose,
American rebel whose art we suppose
Differs from most, and thus has a touch
Of questioning, arguing, adventuring Dutch.

To Netherlands she'll fly, New Yorker in tow,
Leaving us wanting, sad you must know.
"Tell us a tale Ms. de Jeu!" they will say!
"What did you do? Where did you stay?"

And thus this reply we posit you'll give,
Of Amherst and environs, where Americans live:
"I saw a strange country that Tocqueville once knew,
But found something else. Oh how time flew!"

With great affection,

The Emily's of Amherst

and

Joe

Clothesline Nation Update

2010-05-15T17:23:00.007-04:00

In Emily's day we hardly worried so much about unmentionables. Of course we didn't have tiger print briefs back then! Here you see the Oz- like threats of lines and tigerprints and bras -- oh my!

Emily still believes clotheslines are patriotic, even poetic, and notes that clotheslines may even lead to economic benefits via undie one-upsmanship, which if satisfied with American made underwear could become that special stimulus our economy needs:

The Colbert Report

The Enemy Within - Backyard Clothesline

www.colbertnation.com

Colbert Report Full Episodes

Political Humor

Fox News

Camels Made of Snow

2010-02-19T08:11:00.009-05:00

Camels in the sand,
Camels made of snow,
Chest-bared rider's saber
Raised to show
Spring's around the corner,
Thank god it snowed.

Model credits: Laurence of Snowrabia, one of Emily's delightful neighbors, on North Prospect Street.

Moose in Meadow Meets Indian Pipe

2009-10-07T09:36:00.013-04:00

Sept 19, 2009
5:32 p.m. - A moose successfully crossed Route 116 near the Sunderland town line. At 6:50 a.m. the following day, a moose was seen near the Department of Public Works barn on South Pleasant Street.
- - Amherst Bulletin Police Report

Moose roamed Amherst College near marker twenty seven,
Indian Pipe rose weakly, date seven/eleven.
Beast showed self so briefly twenty September morn,
Morbid flow'r likewise, pale and forlorn.

Photo Credit : Nels Gunnarsen, visiting Amherst College Class of '78 alumni, now of New Braunfels, TX, for astute non-violent capture of "The Moose".

Movie Review: The Biggest Chinese Restaurant in the World(2008)

2009-06-10T16:14:00.007-04:00

In the end, a banquet restaurant is a banquet restaurant, whether it's in your little working class hometown town here in the USA or West Lake Restaurant, in Changsa, China. Sure the food is different, but much is the same: the huge quantities of food, the hordes of staff, the maze of noisy function rooms, the endless parade of parties of twenty, fifty, three hundred celebrating family events, the loud, corny DJ/MC conducting the rituals of the particular celebration, the backroom kitchens, the backroom management, the sales pitches to prospective clients -- very familiar if you ever had the joy of working weddings, birthdays, funeral banquets from the inside.

TBCRITW maintains a sense of detachment, and thus comes off as a documentary of operations at the most factual level. Add the personal story of the owner, a sharp, pragmatic, tough woman who tolerates no nonsense, and it is a decent portrait of a mammoth, family owned and grown "hospitality" business -- for better and for worse.

I felt sorry for the workers who seemed stuck, having hit an aspirational ceiling too young in a low-paying, mass production facility. I'd love to see the same story, perhaps the "real" story, inside this restaurant, from the folks who do the most basic functions of cooking and serving. That would be the really interesting, forbidden counterpoint to this story.

My rating: Three and a half little chef hats (out of five).
More information at IMDB: The Biggest Chinese Restaurant in the World

Some Kind of Poetry Found

2009-05-19T09:43:00.008-04:00

Best of the Police Report, Downtown Edition, May 15:

April 20 - 9:57PM A bartender at a downtown bar told police a man left a suicide note on the bar and then left. Police were unable to locate the customer, but examined the note and determined it was some form of poetry.

April 24 - 1:06AM A man carrying a woman outside the downtown bars dropped her to the ground when police got there. She got up and left the area.

Happy Two Hundred Fiftieth , Amherst!

Movie Review: The Counterfeiters (2007)

2009-05-03T16:04:00.017-04:00

The Counterfeiters is the true story of a still-living German artist who "makes money by making money" rather than making money from art. From a post-war Monte Carlo casino, the Bogart-esque Solly recalls in sepia flashbacks his arrest in pre-war Berlin by the local anti-fraud police captain. Caught up in the sweep of Jews into Auschwitz he survives five years by sketching portraits and murals for his captors.

Fate plucks him from his painting and drops him along with others into S.hausen, a specialty technical research camp where he re-encounters his old nemesis, now a military man on the rise in the new Nazi regime. The Jews in his specialty unit are charged with counterfeiting pound notes intended to destabilize the British economy and win the war for the Nazis. Unpredictable sadism, moral ambivalence, self-contradiction, and acceptance of specialty squad luxuries within a death camp combine to create a grim all-enveloping tension relieved only by unsentimental kindnesses, flickers of conscience, and gallows humor.

This is a movie whose darkness glows with body heat and soul. Its eclectic sound track includes "nigger music" and silence; its camera shots include fast, shaky zooms, selectively collaged glances, a microsecond of the moon seen through an overhead cage in a prisoner 'recreation' area. 'No rules' editing produces surprising moments, and cinematic discipline results in not even a single gratuitous shot. Every scintilla contributes to telling the story.

The Counterfeiters is a masterpiece, especially attentive to the details of storytelling, and touching so deeply that it will be an exceptionally powerful experience for different people for entirely different reasons. Imagine Cool Hand Luke meets Bridge on the River Kwai in Nazi Germany, yet one of the best Holocaust movies made. It is no wonder The Counterfeiters won an Academy Award. For cinematography, editing, sound, writing, acting, music, it is a ten. It will keep you on the edge of your seat, and it will stay with you for a long time.

Ten real ( not counterfeit) gold stars.

The Counterfeiters (2007) at IMDB

Movie Review: Gomorra (2008)

2009-04-21T12:01:00.007-04:00

So many excellent portraits exist of cold-blooded, reptilian killers, and organized crime that any pretender to this crowded genre faces a tough job dancing with the stars. Gomorra, in its Neapolitan detail, succeeds.

The five main characters involved with the Camorra of Naples, have all been young at one time, passionate about something, full of dreams of some sort. And at a point they are seduced by the devil's cash, thrills, power, or approval, and take that first small decision that becomes the inescapable trajectory of one's life. The movie rolls along in Neapolitan dialect, not even vaguely understandable as Italian, in gritty, smelly streets, alleys, sweatshops, dumps, parking garages, and bars. Believable, dark-humored characters make understandable though fatal decisions and become the same doomed souls you know from Fargo, from In Cold Blood, from Goodfellas, and from The Sopranos. They are poor, often pathetic, and all trapped.

Reviewers at IMDB who have read the Robert Saviano book seem to find the movie disappointing. However, not having read the book I feel Gomorra, standing on its own as a movie, adds yet another nuance to the copious canon of organized crime movies -- a slice of Italian life that is unsentimental, gritty, and grim -- very well done. I give Gomorra 8 out of 10 stars.

Gomorra at IMDB

Movie Review: Todos Estamos Invitados

2009-04-21T11:55:00.004-04:00

Todos Estamos Invitados is a cheesy attempt at a thriller, with hackneyed plot, characters, and storyline. Whether its Basque bad guys speaking Spanish with a gratuitous bit of Basque thrown in, or the stressed out lovers falling in the sand on the beach in San Sebastian, its pretty fake. It fails to connect with any universals that touch people who live with terrorism and nationalist sentiments. Shots of the Basque sociedades (communal kitchen/social eating clubs) and food are hunger-inducing, even if
ham-handed, but that's about all that seemed genuine in this movie. From whatever point of view whether ETA, anti-ETA, or simple moviegoer trying to appreciate a particular story that touches a human universal, this movie is a failure.

My rating: One txikitxa sessena (little bull) out of a possible ten. IMDB is kinder, but not much.

Movie Review: Lady Kul el-Arab

2009-03-23T18:31:00.006-04:00

A beautiful, dream-filled 17 year old defies her conservative Druze community and enters a beauty contest where she sees a chance to become an international professional model. The Druze community see carnal shame. Her immediate family objects, but they decide to support the young lady once her decision is made. The fireworks begin when an uncle and accomplices are arrested for plotting her murder, her father robs a gas station to pay for his daughter's pageant trip to India, and she and her family are called before the tribal council.

The real issue of this movie is the individual versus the tribe. Because this occurs in the context of a beauty contest, feminist side arguments tend to obscure the core tribal issue, which would be the same, for example, for a gay man deciding to live an openly gay life in an anti-gay tribal community. In the end, the young girl relents and obeys the tribal dictates, choosing the security of tribal membership over ostracism via an irreversible leap of faith into an alternate world of individual achievement.

This was not the story the director -- herself a beautiful young woman -- started out to make, but it is the story that happened. Thus it is full of oddities, ambiguities, and strange twists. Despite a temptation to dismiss the movie as the story of a silly girl, it worth seeing as great food for argument, and for images we don't often see of the Israeli-Arab world.

The director, Ibtisam Mara'ana, was present for an extended discussion on Wednesday, March 25, 2009 at Isenberg 137, UMass.

(Israel, 2008, 56 min, in Arabic and Hebrew with English subtitles)

A Poetry Joke

2009-03-12T21:29:00.008-04:00

A UMass professor and his wife were on their way to a famous garden in rural Japan when they met two Hungarians travelling on the same bus:

"What brings you to Japan from Hungary?" asked the professor. "We are selling Hungarian poetry to the Japanese." So, a discussion on the Japanese appreciation for beauty in words, gardens, and art ensued.

When they arrived at their destination, the travellers said their farewells, and the wife skeptical but fascinated by the market for good Hungarian poems, said, "Good luck selling your poetry! "

The Hungarian turned to her and said, "Poultry, m'aam, poultry. "

Movie Review: Bella Martha

2009-03-12T21:24:00.002-04:00

Well-acted story of a little girl, her nutty nice aunt "The Chef", and the aftermath of a tragic event. The never-quite-right stereotypes of cold Germanesque perfection and Italian romanticism clash as chefs in the kitchen, while sharing the screen with a befuddled psychiatrist and a very pleasant neighbor architect with clear romantic possibilities for Martha. The happy ending renders this a feel good movie that is familiar but not entirely predictable. Great performances by the young Lina, and lovely Italian songs from throaty Paolo Conte, among others.

Part of an ongoing series of German movies, alternating Thursdays, at Amherst College.

The IMDB scoop: Bella Martha (2001)

Real Jobs for PhD's

2009-03-11T17:28:00.012-04:00

Graduating PhD's! Don't let all the talk about a recession get you down. This is a real job:

The Hawaii-based poultryOne Media Group is a specialty media group focused on the fascinating hobby of raising poultry. poultryOne is currently searching for a freelance writer to provide web content. poultryOne needs unique articles about raising the following species: geese, ducks and quail.

Resist any urge to philosophize about chickens and eggs and you will do just fine. Good luck!

Pumpkins for Obama

2008-11-05T09:39:00.008-05:00

At the top of Amity Street, the President's Pumpkin Patch at the Pitkin House:

Election Day was subdued downtown, quiet, except that you noticed packs of students arriving in droves by PVTA and foot, throughout the day. Off the bus, and in groups, they strode to the polls at Boltwood. StudentVote.org registered 3000 this year, many first time voters, and they came out this day.

The networks called the election at 11PM. Fireworks sounded, and then roars like one hears when a football game is in town. It went on for four hours. Earlier, as the last hour of voting continued, throngs of young people lined up at Starbucks and Ben & Jerry’s, a warm fall night, sitting around, talking, with coffees and ice creams in hand, having voted. What a day!

I am thrilled to be old enough to remember how far we have come, yet young enough to be part of where are going.

The Red Indian Pipe Society

2008-09-09T11:35:00.013-04:00

Red Indian Pipe appeared on the Robert Frost Trail, halfway between Amethyst Brook and Mt. Orient last Sunday. The Emily Dickinson Museum reminds readers:

The Indian Pipe Society ($1,000)

Emily Dickinson called the Indian Pipe “the preferred flower of life.” The painting of Indian Pipes given to her by Mabel Loomis Todd adorns the first edition of her Poems First Series. The Indian Pipe Society ... recognizes individuals and couples who contribute $1,000 or more each fiscal year to the Museum’s operating budget.

Perhaps I should modify my poem:

White (or red) as an Indian Pipe
Red as a Cardinal Flower
Fabulous as a Moon at Noon
February Hour

Citroenella

2008-03-31T07:46:00.005-04:00

Citron Citroen of bumblebee'd coat,
Melted at last from winter's white choke,
Buzzes toward summer whose mosquitos and gnats,
Invite citroenella, thwick, thwick, thwick, thwack.

Brutal as a Bumblebee

2008-03-02T16:05:00.004-05:00

Camille Paglia on Emily:

The brutality of this belle of Amherst would stop a truck.

-- in Sexual Personae , "Amherst's Madame de Sade", p 623-673.

Just as the beautiful brutality of Canadian snow stops a citron Citroen:

On ice till springtime.

First Bicyclist, Sir!

2008-01-06T15:32:00.000-05:00

Cute as a button then, cute as a button now, and ready to be president, tricycling Barack! Back in Iowa, voters have been flocking not only to caucuses but to comedy. In Caucus! The Musical, the Wise family chooses who wins and who loses among politicians who will do anything to get their votes. And to the north in New Hampshire, our neighbors are rolling in the excess with their own musical extravaganza The Primary Primary. What fun!

I do believe that Amherst must have within its serious soul some closet comics of a political bent, capable of composing and producing a musical: "Meeting Town Meeting" I, for one, would be thrilled to support the troupes!

Mourning the M-bag

2007-12-28T08:54:00.000-05:00

Just before Christmas I went to the post office to ship 40 pounds of books to Spain. The books were obscure English language books on linguistic history. On calculating postage I was informed by an apologetic postal employee that my preferred shipping method, cheap, take as long as you like, slow boat, surface mail (the M-bag) no longer existed.

The M-bag died on May 14, 2007, and with it the incalculable value of the paper diplomacy of ideas, stories, poems, and literacy programs. Myriad scholars, book dissemination non-profits, and generous individuals who believe in the value of ideas, of sharing books, and of literacy, have been struck hard by this passing. In lieu of a dollar a pound by slow boat, offered is four dollars a pound by air.

The United States Postal Service, by offering universal service to all of the Union, with special rates for dissemination of ideas in the form of media, print and library materials has a distinct role in American civic life. This historic civic role is what distinguishes it from a fully private corporation whose sole civic mission is to operate ethically and profitably enough to pay taxes.

So readers you have a choice. Accept this passing and read 101 Uses for a Dead M-bag, or sign an online petition to request the return of the M-bag, and affordable surface shipping of books around the world. Think of it as homeland security.

First Ladies, Sir!

2007-12-18T14:23:00.001-05:00

If I were truly a follower of Emily's List I would be writing poems to spur Hilary onward to the presidency. Instead I am loving Barack Obama and John Edwards. I have an irrational desire to see children in the White House: Jack, Emma, and Obama's little girls sliding and running, giggling and cavorting through the various wings. Of course Bill as First Lady tempts me but I am having a running bout of Hilary-As-President Fatigue Syndrome.

I have been reading The Book of the City of Ladies by Christine de Pisan (1364-1430) . Christine rebutted 14th c. literary misogyny with wonderful stories, lively details of thousands of years of women who ruled fierce tribes, incipient nations, nation-states; women who fought wars, commanded troops, fed poison to their enemies. I seem to remember Cleopatra, Joan of Arc, Elizabeth I, and more recently Victoria, Indira Ghandi, Mrs. Thatcher, Mrs. Merkel. That's the incomplete list. I fail to feel the novelty of Hilary's run. Alas....

In other news, a lovely woman who interviewed Hilary during the 1992 campaign, Nardi Reeder Campion, died November 29th, at the age of 90, shortly after talking with her editors about her next book. She was a 1938 graduate of Wellesley College, Hilary's alma mater. She lived in Amherst for several years starting in 1970, worked at the Emily Dickinson House, wrote the book that became the Tyrone Power movie, The Long Gray Line(1955). Kudos for a life well lived.

Another Movie Moment II

2007-12-13T13:20:00.000-05:00

Offside (Iran, 2006), 93 minutes, was the feature film at the Asian Arts and Culture Series , Wednesday, Dec. 12, 2007 , 7PM at UMass, Isenberg 137. It was preceded by some delightful amateur videos.

Emily's review:

Random girls dress like boys to sneak into the Iran-Bahrain soccer playoffs at the big stadium in Tehran. They get caught. They talk in the prisoner pen. The men talk. Lots of talking heads. The big excitement is not the soccer game but a trip to the bathroom. Talking heads, scenes of Iran, no music. Nothing much happens. I missed the end, and thus leave it as a surprise for you.

Potentially interesting premise, with under-developed characters, stiff acting. You see & hear men, men, men: stupid men, protective men, possessive men, craven men, cowed men, howling men, discouraged men, bossy men, with cameos by a handicapped old man and a young boy. The dialog is mostly back-forth argument for why men are protecting their daughters, sisters, mothers, spouses from other men. Talk about twisted self-loathing! The girls inexplicably yearn for all the hooplah surrounding soccer and soccer-crazed men. Hard to believe.

Good idea, and a chuckle or two, but not quite there. I do suggest, however, reading some alternate views and the backstory to balance my rather harsh comments. That said, I give this movie: 2 1/2 soccer balls.

Another Movie Moment

2007-12-04T11:43:00.001-05:00

Tomorrow night at UMass, Isenberg 137, courtesy of the Asian Arts & Culture series :: Little Red Flowers.

Emily's Review : Do you remember those scary days when you were five years old and monsters lurked in the dark, when the great unknown of kindergarten loomed bigger than life itself, and a little gold star was your most coveted desire? Watch an impish little fellow navigate these perilous waters as you once did.

Charming, well done, this production joins noodles, silk, and Marco Polo in a long line of Italian-Chinese adventures . Five little red flowers. *****
Available on DVD from Amazon in the UK, perhaps sometime soon in the USA.

Emily's Movie Moment

2007-11-17T08:35:00.000-05:00

According to the NY Times I should be attending local book events, but I am spending all my time at local movie events. This week I saw three of a little-publicized DEFA Jurek Becker Film series, all introduced by Christina Becker. All have been wonderful,thought-provoking, and well worth watching.

The fourth and most important film, "Jacob the Liar" will be shown Sunday, November 18th at 2PM at the Amherst Cinema. Christina Becker will be introducing her late husband's work. The combination of director Frank Beyer and Jurek Becker is powerful. Christina's commentary makes it all the more touching as one understands the artists whose talents have given birth to these works.

In other news:

In the NY Times online, what's playing at the Amherst Cinema appears alongside movie reviews. Titles link corresponding reviews. Scroll down for an incomplete list of other local theaters.

I have bought five DVD copies of Man With A Plan from Vermont Public Television in honor of the late Fred Tuttle and "little guy" candidates everywhere. Please let me know if you'd like to borrow one for a bit.

Like An Old Bicycle Gathering Moss

2007-11-09T11:13:00.000-05:00

Like this old Montreal classic I have been vegetating. I have returned to lovely New England, and am shaking off my foliage.

Candian Vacation

2007-09-28T10:10:00.000-04:00

I have been in Canada, and thus the bloggerly absence. I will return soon to lovely New England, and to the Northampton-New York axis which could be improved only by being Canadian.

Clothesline Nation

2007-09-14T15:36:00.001-04:00

Tis a simple thread forbidden it seems,
In agreements protecting American dreams.
How dare the contrarian try to dry clothes,
On a line in his yard, near a neighbor's nose?

Does the bra offend? Or the working man's shirt?
The flapping sheet, or the scanty skirt?
"Haven't you a dryer?," some neighbors cry,
"You agreed that your undies would NOT touch our eyes!"

" I answer, dear friend, citing one greater Trust,
To tame mine, and my country's great lust.
For Victory Gardens won one Great War,
Victory Clotheslines may settle the present day's score."

What could say more in our time of surge
In our hour of oil, in our Month of Dirge?
Than a simple thread, strung from every tree
Eschewing rich oil, ever so free.

To Osama Bin Laden I wave my pants.
I wave my bra at all pious rants.
Free-waving clothes on a sunny day,
Bespeak independence, the old-fashioned way.

The modest clotheslines, a simple thread,
Saves the planet, raises neighborly dread --
Until we join hands, agree and stand tall,
With clothesline'd fencepost, balcony, and wall.

My neighbor's new clothesline on North Prospect Street has raised Amherst's Clothesline Quotient to new heights. Vermont has challenged the legality of association bans on clotheslines -- great idea!

Clotheslines -- great for political action, comic commentary, or just drying clothes.

Taioba Times

2007-09-06T14:14:00.000-04:00

Tobacco this is not. Taioba (tie-OH-bah) is an edible Brazilian vegetable that looks like a houseplant with large elephant ear leaves. This plant is one of the 2007 crop at the UMass Agricultural Extension Farm on River Road in South Deerfield.

My cooking instructions: treat it exactly as you would spinach. Sautee with onions and garlic, use it in an omelet, mix it into a lasagna. I describe its taste as "buttery spinach. " If you are near Wilson Farms, Lexington, MA this coming Saturday, you can try it. On second thought, stop by the farm in South Deerfield and see if there are any samples!

Emily Sleuths: Case of the UK Scam Letter

2007-08-31T10:38:00.000-04:00

This picturesque pond scum is my entree to a story about scam letters.

Recently I received an envelope with a UK postmark, on lawyerly letterhead from Humprhey's and Company attorneys, in all their lawyerly regalia. It told a convoluted story of client, and his family killed in a fiery crash with no heirs. Because my name was like the client's name I might be heir to the unclaimed estate: $4.9 Million UK pounds! Oh my! I could respond by phone, or by email to: david.campbell@techemail.com.

This is an old scam in new scamshell. I detest scammers -- it is disgusting to prey on the gullible, disabled, desperate, and uninformed. I sent the UK envelope and letter along with a handwritten note expressing my distaste for scammers to the Springfield office of the Massachusetts Attorney General, Consumer Fraud Division.

On a lark, I wrote to "Barrister David Campbell":

From: "Emily Dickinson"
To: david.campbell@techemail.com, humphreyco@lawyer.com
Subject:
Date: Thu, 30 Aug 2007 12:37:19 -0400

Dear Barrister David Campbell,

I have received your email about the sad deaths and estate of your client.

The letter, in its entirety, including envelope, and poorly composed offer, has been forwarded to the Attorney General, Consumer Fraud Division, State of Massachusetts.

I guess you will have to think quick, and stop mailing to our state, since our top police folks are now watching you.

Best,

Emily

THE RESPONSE ( 12 hours later)

Dear emily,

Well too bad as what i sent to you is only a proposal . There is not fraud determined here and i guess you and your attorney knows that. You can only ignore not take part and thats it . I don't know why all this insult is coming up.

Well you take care and remain poor.

Happily, Barrister Campbell!!!! I never expected such a quick and comic response. Further, I hope exposing this ruffian to bloggerly sunlight will cause his tired old scam to comletely fade away, in Massachusetts at least.

I did not photograph the original -- my apologies. If a reader has received a similar letter or if I retrieve a copy from the AG, I will gladly post it here.

Be safe and be skeptical.

Tobacco Times

2007-08-28T14:06:00.000-04:00

Pretty as a petticoat, a tobacco blossom:

On the way to the drying barns:

Here's a nice 2005 article explaining the economics of the tobacco harvest, and a few other agricultural activities just outside Amherst's door.

I often wonder about orientation of the barns. Were they oriented to the sun, by having the slatted side facing south ? Or did some farmers bet on the slatted side facing west to catch prevailing breezes?

Still Life with Mashishi and Cucumber

2007-08-20T14:47:00.000-04:00

The Amherst farmer's market brought these lovely lemon cucumbers to town Saturday, while my favorite agricultural marketing students from the University of Massachusetts came home with these little green exoticss, Brazilian "mashishi" cukes harvested from their experimental farm in South Deerfield.

Tomorrow, I shall chop the little darlings in half and compare. The Brazilian cukes, properly spelled maxixe, are part of an effort to develop markets for specialty Brazilian vegetables.

Update:

Variety is the spice of life... the yellows are sweet, the maxixi are tangy... sliced thin, with an accent of bite-sized tomato, paper thin red onion..... what a summer treat!

In another part of Amherst, a tractor brings in the marshmallow harvest.

A Republican of a Different Kind

2007-08-14T15:17:00.000-04:00

Green petticoats hanging in slatted doors,
Awaiting a promised prom,
Hubbard and butternut bursting forth,
Cabbage in big-leaved prime.

The valley this day was a romance,
An idyll of bountiful earth,
Till a barnside in hard-working Hatfield,
Offered a counter to birth.

Under the sign, near Lincoln's name is www.iraqmemorial.org. Its worthwhile to stop a moment and think of these and others who suffer in war.

UPDATE: According to a neighbor's post at flickr, this sign is in Whately.

No Crime Intended

2007-08-08T12:53:00.000-04:00

An exceedingly rare "elephant portfolio" of John James Audubon's life-size birds is missing from its custom-made display case in the Special Collections room at the Amherst College Robert Frost Library. Librarians report that within a few weeks it will be no longer be missing.

Farther down the Norwottuck Trail, a snowy egret has been sharing perches with three great blue herons. Meanwhile three wild turkeys lurking one morning in the meadow of the Brickyard Conservation Area ducked and covered before they could be properly seen.

I often think how Audubon would have loved a simple point-and-shoot camera.

Pittsfield Police Report

2007-08-06T21:36:00.000-04:00

Last week two bulls loose in Sunderland's Squire Village, and now this. A thousand pound cow in a Pittsfield pool. If loose lips sink ships, what do loose cows do?

Best of the Police Report - July 27

2007-07-31T10:45:00.000-04:00

One bear , two bulls, and five raccoons were chased, reported or removed by the police this week:

* One black bear was reported on Farm Lane and another(?) bear was seen in the woods behind the Friendly's restaurant on Route 9 -- July 19 at 6:55PM, and July 20 at 11:43AM.

* Two bulls that got loose into Squire Village (Sunderland) were located and chased back onto Silver Lane, where their owner was contacted to put them back in a pen -- July 21 at 2:30AM.

*Five raccoons stuck inside a dumpster at a South Pleasant Street location were removed by police -- July 16 at 8:00AM

Meanwhile a quieter suspect, this lovely chanterelle, was developing on the Norwottuck Trail between Station Road and Warren Wright Road. Myco-friends, tell me true, is this a chanterelle or do I deceive myself?

Ode to Emily Dickinson

2007-07-24T11:48:00.001-04:00

I blush to see a lovely, modest poet honor me! My deepest thanks for this particularly lovely poem which captures my little room perfectly.

Let Them Ride Bikes....

2007-07-17T16:17:00.000-04:00

The Norwottuck Trail is getting mighty bumpy lately, but it's always ten degrees cooler than anywhere else on a hot summer's day. Its also a spectacular alternative to that confined vein of transport ugliness that runs through Belchertown, Amherst, Hadley, and over the mighty Connecticut.

Norwottuck draws families, novice and experienced bicyclists, walkers, runners, and skaters who come and go from myriad exits at eateries, grocery stores, malls, housing developments, bird blinds, and hiking trails along its nine or so miles.This week it drew a scholar of bicycle trails, Anne Lusk. Anne's idea in a nutshell: destination is destiny. People like to go places. So, our lil' ol' trail is part of a three year study that follows on Anne's monumental, 565 page doctoral dissertation from U. Michigan.

Meanwhile in that great destination Paris, France they are duplicating the public bicycle success of Lyon, and getting Americans off their arses.

Tell 'em, Anne!

Red-Tailed Hawk

2007-07-17T15:10:00.000-04:00

A hawk stood on a green:
She did not know I saw
She bit a squirrel just in halves
And ate the fellow raw....

as the old poem goes. Then with great drama this striking red-tailed hawk, gripping the bloody-red gray-furred body in talons, joined her sizable "little one" in a nearby tree. Two aggressive, squawking blue jays harassed the young bird who shrugged off their diving swipes. I received an impression of giant gentle-ness.

The No Shusshing Zone

2007-07-15T09:29:00.000-04:00

Unlike librarians, this turtle is easily shussh-able. He was walking across the bicycle path at a snail's pace when he curled into his shell. In honor of my friends, the hip, new generation of librarians, I cataloged him.

Requiem & Resurrection: A Lily's Story

2007-07-08T16:26:00.000-04:00

We late mourned a lily ravaged by deer,
Who ne'er perchance knew that neighbors were near.
Her beauty and fullness we'll never know.
Yet Mother had others who lived and did show.

Persistence pays when luck meets its mate,
In flowers, in life, we meet and face Fate.
The beavers are gone, and the herons are too.
But frogs keep on croaking as berries turn blue.

UPDATE: Good news... A great blue heron and a white heron-ish bird are said to be about. A belted kingfisher has thrice appeared before my novice eyes --- but said sighting is affirmed by a expert-ish photographer with a huge-lens camera. Above, could be a Canada Lily not a Turk's Cap -- if anyone knows, please comment.

My Cups Runneth Over...

2007-07-05T14:35:00.000-04:00

Someone is gracing Amherst with sculptures made from recycled cups. These beer cup flowers may be a memorial, sprouted where fraternity houses once stood on North Pleasant Street, right side, north if facing UMass. "Robotic Recycle Man" twists about in the garden between Rao's and the Bangs community center.

Whoever you are, one or many, we love and appreciate your work.

UPDATE: A barista at Rao's says Robot Twisty may be the work of a woman named "Smiles". For unknown reasons, by Sunday July 8, Robot Twisty was gone.

Lily Missing from Bicycle Trail

2007-06-27T14:12:00.000-04:00

This suspected Turk's Cap Lily was seen on the Norwottuck Bicycle Trail, Monday evening at 7:30 PM. When the photographer returned Wednesday morning at 8:30AM, the lily was gone. Deer are suspected.

Solstice Thanksgiving

2007-06-26T09:29:00.000-04:00

"We gather'd together to feast and be pagan,
Earth's bounty is precious for life is all one,
We ate with Thanksgiving, this food that once was living,
Sing praises to the Life that becomes now our own."

.... in this case, Central Massachusetts smoked trout.

Rbbbts and a Green Heron

2007-06-21T10:12:00.000-04:00

A couple of updates on two ends of the Norwottuck bicycle trail:

On the South Amherst - Belchertown side, the road repairs are complete, the green heron is back, and the frogs are burbled-eyed, croaky, and plentiful. I also saw small hand-sized fish, and a turtle sunning on the yellow flowered lily pads. A black and white warbler lives not too far away, but will not sit still for a portrait.

On the Northampton side, the much awaited Damon Road crossing and extension were STILL unfinished as of last week, but I found odd, open-ended finished segments. Much awaited....

Hush Hush: Let's Blame the Beavers!

2007-05-02T08:25:00.000-04:00

Someone is blaming the beavers for the hole in the Norwottuck Bicycle Trail next to the former U-shaped beaver dam on the Belchertown Side. It has generated a lot hush hush scurrying on the part of the "responsibles", the DCR and the Town of Amherst. How hush hush? Consider this odd bit in the Amherst Bulletin:

Wendy Fox, press secretary for the DCR, said that a notice of intent has been filed with the town, but before repair work can begin, an environmental consultant will have to pre-approve the work.
The reason for that, Fox said, will be to determine whether or not the repair work will harm an endangered animal that lives in the wetlands area. The name of that species cannot be revealed for its own safety, Fox said.

So, Let's pray for great blue heron, the little frogs, the fish, the birds, the bees, the flowers, and the trees... oh, yes, and let's not forget that secret endangered creature, whoever it may be. I am sure it appreciates its anonymity.

In fact should it not be eligible for a secret endangered creatures witness protection program, a new secret identity, and a new secret habitat if we can find one.

Speaking of secrets, above, a red maple blossom.

Annals of Unreported Crime: Case of the Zen Fountain

2007-04-23T17:57:00.000-04:00

This week's unreported crime involves a Louis Pomerantz Zen fountain, shown a month ago in the shadow of snow. Thursday night marauders apparently stumbled through the yard and decided, "Off with its head!" They carried away the top piece which is loosely sleeved onto a water spout.

The owner refused to call the police, understandably deterred by how ridiculous she would appear in the Amherst Bulletin Police Report: "The theft of a rock was reported to police. When the police got there the rock was not found. Many other rocks were still around."

The rock was found Sunday morning about a block away on Hallock Street, and was retured to its home base.

The Yellow Rose of Texas

2007-04-23T17:02:00.000-04:00

"The Yellow Rose of Texas", an admirer claims, has the perfect rhythms and cadences for singing my poetry. (Thank you, Jim Marra, of Jamaica Plain, MA). This tidbit was particularly appreciated when I came upon this yellow rose of Texas off Guadalupe St. in Austin, TX.

Alongside, I found a longhorn art car, with painted cows, a cowgirl, and Happy Trails painted on the rear end!

This was my first trip to Texas, and it was beautiful. Wildflowers, orange paintbrush, purple fields of bluebonnets, springtime is Texas' foliage season, oh my! Between Austin and College Station one finds a Pioneer Valley of sorts, Hadley-esque landscapes with the Brazos River as this area's Connecticut.

I tried to say, "Howdy!", but found Texans say "Hello!", and "Good morning!" Further, I encountered many Bush Bashing Texans! Yes, bus drivers, working folk, even Republican Texans in old-timer BBQ restaurants are shaking their heads in wonderment at the sorry state their boy has wrought.

To finding thinking folk, I can only say, "Yee-hah!", remembering Texas as the home of the incomparable, late Molly Ivins.

Refreshing Times

2007-03-20T19:55:00.000-04:00

Emily was deeply impressed by the showing of at least a hundred people who attended a Library Trustees meeting at the Jones Library to support the ESL program.

For one and a half hours, people came forth and explained to the trustees what the ESL program meant to them, as individuals and as citizens of Amherst.

It was a proud moment for me to see Amherst coming out, welcoming and supporting immigrants, all-American at its best.

Look it UP! Jones Library & ESL -- Tues - March 12, 7PM

2007-03-09T08:57:00.000-05:00

"Why you should fall to your knees and worship a librarian" by the Librarian Avenger

Ok, sure. We’ve all got our little preconceived notions about who librarians are and what they do. Many people think of librarians as diminutive civil servants, scuttling about "Sssh-ing" people and stamping things. Well, think again buster.
Librarians have degrees. They go to graduate school for Information Science and become masters of data systems and human/computer interaction. Librarians can catalog anything from an onion to a dog’s ear. They could catalog you.

Librarians wield unfathomable power. With a flip of the wrist they can hide your dissertation behind piles of old Field and Stream magazines. They can find data for your term paper that you never knew existed. They may even point you toward new and appropriate subject headings.

People become librarians because they know too much. Their knowledge extends beyond mere categories. They cannot be confined to disciplines. Librarians are all-knowing and all-seeing. They bring order to chaos. They bring wisdom and culture to the masses. They preserve every aspect of human knowledge. Librarians rule.... -- "

Now, the issue of where the Jones Library budget cuts should come from has had two answers: the librarian department head proposal which preserves the ESL program, and the trustee proposal that eliminates the ESL program.

I want the burden of cuts to fall on my own library-loving shoulders rather than on the shoulders of new immigrants. I will wait longer for books. I will forgo the latest and greatest so that ESL is preserved. The rationale of "serving too few people" is specious at best.

I will be attending a public meeting on Tuesday, March 12 at 7PM to ask that the trustees trust the librarians and preserve the ESL program at the Jones Library. Please look at the proposals, and come to the meeting. It should be lively!!!

Essay: Emily Never Tires

2007-03-08T09:10:00.000-05:00

Embryo J. Regicide sends me junk mail. He wants to sell me something, but he never will. Its not that I am offended -- no no no. Its that I am so utterly fascinated by his name that I never read down to his blush-inducing junk mail proposition. His name is so jarring that I am consumed with laughter! I close my eyes, I fall back in my chair, I laugh out loud, and my imagination soars.

I see a cramped, messy, windowless, equipment-filled 10 x10 cell, and two desperate thirty year-old males masquerading as mass-marketing geniuses. They live in a soulless geography with bland architecture, a faceless 1950’s concrete block in Eastern Europe, the back-end of a strip mall in Framingham, Massachusetts. They’ve been working at quick-rich schemes for 18 months. They are so bored they create new people: Embryo J. Regicide one day, and Waistcoated F. Hellion, Salazar F. Pinball another.

I wouldn’t accept a free pencil from a guy named Embryo, so whoever is paying these guys is getting ZERO for his junk mail money. So, dear readers, help me! What is this junkmail all about? Who generates these names? Is it a program? And who are these guys to get paid for their services? Whoever you are, thank you!

If you really live in Framingham, I would love to meet you.

New one same as the old one...

2007-03-02T15:16:00.000-05:00

Thanks for the new STOP sign, Amherst sign guardians, but I have to confess I really liked the old one.

Birds To The Feeder

2007-03-02T14:56:00.000-05:00

Birds to the feeder, seeking their fill,
Know not to come when food level's nil.
Hope for the blogger slow on the seed ,
Birds do come back on recant and re-feed.

Best of the Police Report - March 1

2007-03-02T14:36:00.000-05:00

By far, the best snippet of the past month:

A woman missing from her Amherst home since Feb. 22 has been located in San Diego, Calif. and appears to have gone there on her own.
Kaitlyn Ierardi, 19, who is confined to a nonmotorized wheelchair, apparently traveled cross country by bus and was located in San Diego Monday.

Police were initially contacted by her concerned family Feb. 23 and released her photo and information to the media seeking information about Ierardi's whereabouts This led to several tips from area residents that helped track Ierardi's movements.
Police will work with San Diego police to ensure that Ierardi remains safe.

Is this heartwarming-determination or hell-girl on wheels? Imagine if this young lady had had a motorized wheel chair???? Well, with sympathy for the anxious friends and family, I say:

Kaitlyn, congratulations, its still cold here!

Its Always Summer Somewhere

2007-03-02T14:02:00.000-05:00

They are not mere fishermen but giant squid catchers, not mere judicial reformers but petticoated cross-dressing 68 year old lawyers, not mere ivory tappers but piano-playing, pathos-plying leg pullers.

They are all New Zealanders. Enough said. Draw your own conclusions.

Reminding you its always summer somewhere, Emily.

CORRECTION: The author of the the third article, "Shoot The Piano Player" is anchored in New Zealand, while Joyce Hatto, the subject of the article is a London-based POM. *

*Prisoner of Mother England.

Best of the Police Report - Jan 26

2007-01-26T18:26:00.000-05:00

This week's best stories were investigative. Amherst detectives worked the henhouse :

* Police said three vehicles had been struck heavily with eggs near a South East Street location between Jan. 19 and Sunday. The eggs had frozen onto the vehicles and police located an egg carton in the roadway stamped from Cumberland Farms. Police said all Cumberland Farms stores in Hampshire County are reviewing their security cameras to see who may have recently purchased the carton of white eggs.

...while Hadley detectives ruled the roost:

* Police have arrested an Amherst man who they say is responsible for bringing an antique weather vane stolen from a Hadley barn to an auction house in New Hampshire. Michael Mikalunas, 34, of Greenwich Road, was arrested Jan. 16 at 1 p.m. at the police station on a charge of receiving stolen property over $250, said Police Chief Dennis Hukowicz.

The arrest of Mikalunas was made after a week-long investigation that started Jan. 9 when police that night took a report from a person who had noticed a weather vane being sold at auction and that it was identical to one that was missing from the peak of a barn on Mount Warner Road.

Blue Heron Footprints in the Snow

2007-01-24T16:27:00.000-05:00

These are the footprints of a blue heron, wintering near the beaver dam off the Norwottuck Bicycle Path in South Amherst.

Remember Snow?

2007-01-16T00:05:00.000-05:00

Its January. There's still a chance, right?

Embalming News

2007-01-09T22:42:00.000-05:00

Embalming is not required in Massachusetts. So claims an alternative funeral group in Eastern Massachusetts in their fascinating brochure !

Meanwhile, in the stark, decrepit, heat island, stormwater runoff disaster of a parking lot behind CVS, St Brigid's and other businesses:

That which you give....

2006-12-17T22:10:00.000-05:00

"Short shadow'd solstice,
Warm winter day,
A rose that you gave,
Amidst low salmon rays.

Three score one hundred,
The sweetest sixteen,
You marked with these roses,
Faint mem'ry redeemed.

A rose in a foyer,
A maiden at three,
That which you give,
Gives tribute to thee."

Thank you, dear admirer for the one hundred seventy six roses which you gave to the many visitors who had so kindly came to my and my brother's house on December 1oth, 2006 for music, cake, and cider on my 176th birthday.

Best of the Police Report - Dec 1

2006-12-14T14:50:00.001-05:00

* Between Nov. 28 and Dec. 5, police issued 346 warnings to vehicles parked on Amherst streets in violation of the winter parking ban.

* Nov. 29, 2:00 p.m. - An employee at the Super Stop & Shop at Campus Plaza reported that a person may have stolen steaks from the store after the person was seen pulling steaks from his pants and getting into a car

* Nov. 28, 9:42 a.m. - A man was ordered to stay away from a Taylor Street home after he allegedly got onto the porch and unscrewed a light bulb that he claimed was keeping him up at night.

Has winter arrived yet?

Canadian Crime: Snakes

2006-11-28T07:51:00.000-05:00

A Canadian cobra is playing hide and seek in one half of a Toronto duplex..

"The bizarre tale began on Tuesday, Sept. 26, when a tenant saw the snake in the kitchen. Belanger arrived to see it coiled behind the fridge. Belanger backed out of the kitchen and called Animal Services, but by the time they arrived, the snake was gone."

By the time they arrived the snake was gone... does this sound familiar? Makes you appreciate our cute, native, salamanders, shown here cavorting on the M&M trail.

Best of the Police Report - Nov 24

2006-11-26T14:33:00.000-05:00

* Sunday, Nov 12, 8:33 p.m. - Police took a report that a squirrel bit a patron at the VFW on Main Street. The dead squirrel was taken to a veterinarian to check for illness and the patron who was hit [sic] went to a doctor's office.

* 5:34 p.m. - Police received a report from Cherry Lane residents that a suspicious book with threatening writing was left in their mailbox. Police are determining whether threats were actually made.

Tuesday, Nov. 7, * 2:01 p.m. - Damage to pheasant nets at a Bridge Street home may have been related to a fight between two youths that occurred a few days earlier. Police are investigating.

*Sunday, Nov. 5, 12:50 a.m. - A woman reported a man was in her driveway. Police responded and found a brown and tan dog near the garbage.* 12:02 p.m. - A possibly rabid dog was located at Southpoint Apartments. Police determined the dog, named Dusty, was friendly and not rabid.

*Saturday, Nov. 4, 3:48 p.m. - A white horse that got loose on Shutesbury Road was retrieved by its owner.

* Friday, Nov. 3, 9:17 p.m. - A person throwing firecrackers into Main Street was gone when police got there.

* Thursday, Nov. 1, 7:32 p.m. - A large bag of leaves seen on the Route 116 bypass was moved to the side of the road.

Best of the Police Report - Nov 17

2006-11-20T14:25:00.000-05:00

Best not boast of the best this week:

Sat. Oct 21, 7:38 p.m. - Police responded to a disturbance on Pulpit Hill Road in which one man accused the other of urinating on his vehicle and the other complained that he had a beer thrown at him.

Even the police were bored....

2:10 a.m., 2:37 a.m. and 3:07 a.m. - License plate lights were out on three vehicles stopped on Main Street and North Pleasant Street and the drivers were issued warnings for the offenses.

St. Brigid's Holiday Fair was very nice. The END....

Spaceship Art

2006-11-09T23:31:00.000-05:00

In a tunnel on the Norwottuck trail, near Amherst College:

The Future of Journalism

2006-11-09T21:03:00.000-05:00

Heather & Jill, journalism students at UMass, were outside the Bangs Center early on Election Day, interviewing exiting voters. See the mike?

They were great. They asked quick short questions, and sent me on my way. I think they would be a great correspondents for "The Daily Show".

If I were the prof, I'd give those girls an "A"!

Best of the Police Report - Nov 3

2006-11-09T17:36:00.000-05:00

Hadley:

" Seven youths wearing only shorts who were reported running in and out of traffic on Bay Road near the reservoir October 25 at 3:45 PM were not located by police."

Amherst:

Sept 30, 10:55AM: " A blueberry net valued at $20 was reported stolen from a Chesterfield Drive Resident."

October 1, 6:59PM: " Two men who place a net across the Fort River near South East Street checked out OK when police determined they had permission to be there to trap eels."

Net net....this sign at the corner of Cowls Lane and North Prospect Street is my first entry in a proposed new crime feature,"The Police Un Report", reporting what the police report does not.

Best of the Police Report - Oct 27

2006-10-30T17:07:00.000-05:00

The Hadley police have been as busy as this North Hadley end-of- the-summer bee:

" A black bear moving from yard to yard on Chmura Road Sunday [Oct 22] at 6:12 PM was not located by police."

Further:

"Men who appeared to be covered in blood behind Peter's Drive-In on Route 9, Octber 19 were determined to be people who had been involved in a ketchup fight."

The Sunderland police wish they had so much excitement:

"Police took a report of damage to the grass in front of Dimo's restaurant, on North Main Street, October 21 at 6:36 PM."

Lawn lashing was likely unrelated to this high drama:

"Two men were found arguing over dirty underwear left outside one othe men's apartments at Squire Village, October 20 at 7:55PM. Police calmed them down."

Nothing very interesting happened in Amherst...

Spirals in the Woods

2006-10-25T08:27:00.001-04:00

Andy Goldsworthy, we are trying, or maybe not. There's a neat spiral in the woods, near Amhthyst Brook, and an altar at the end:

Best of the Police Report - Oct 20

2006-10-24T16:23:00.000-04:00

This week's police report had two unusually long bits, one a snippet of unrequited romance, and the other a thought-provoking snippet of regret:

Sept. 23: 12:46PM: " An Amherst woman reported to police than on two separate occasions three weeks apart, first at a Barnes & Noble Booksellers in Hadley, and later at an Amherst CVS Pharmacy, a man has slipped a note into her bag and walked away. The note states that he is a gentleman and finds the woman pleasant and attractive."

On a more sober note:

Sept 22: 3:37PM: " About 100 college students riding bicycles intentionally blocked traffic and wore signs on their backs to taunt drivers on West Street near Hampshire College. The group was protesting the death of Meg Sanders who died a year ago while riding her bicycle in Northampton. They were warned to stay out of the road."

With all the hoo-hah about terrorists and homeland security, I seem to know more people (bicyclists) killed by trucks this year than by terrorists. If we declare trucks to be "terrorists", can we get some DHS money diverted to the real homeland , where public health education on sharing streets can make a real security difference?

PS : Try this Canadian no-brainer practice. Raise your arm and point when you enter crosswalks. Trust me it stops the cars cold, and the drivers appreciate it.

Best of the Police Report - Oct 13

2006-10-15T15:55:00.000-04:00

I am 175 years old myself, so imagine my surprise on reading this first item:

"An 180-year-old Hatfield man was placed into protective custody after he was found lying on the ground on Route 9 Oct. 7 at 9:52 p.m., police said. " [Hadley]

September 18-
2:40 p.m. - A loose cow on South East Street was returned to its pen before police got there.

3:57 p.m. - An injured squirrel was reported on Harlow Drive.

September 20-
3:03 p.m. - Police were not able to locate a loose dog that was on Pine Street for several hours.[Amherst]

Vegetable from another planet

2006-10-15T15:41:00.000-04:00

At the Amherst Farmer's Market Saturday morning, the people from

told me this fantastic green thing was an Italian Heirloom cauliflower called Romanesque. I believe, however, it may be an extra-planetary invasive. I base this on recent evidence that we are being visited by extra-planetaries, as shown in previous posts on UFO's , a rock from another planet, and a Lamborghini. This so-called vegetable has also appeared in Fort Lauderdale, Florida where an artist found it. He believes it is wholesome, natural and organic.

I really don't know. Whatever. It is fractaliciously fantastic in the 3rd dimension, and I think it is far too beautiful to eat. Stand aside red cabbage. Welcome interplanetary immigrants, along with your vegetables. !

Best of the Police Report Oct 6

2006-10-08T13:34:00.000-04:00

This week's themes were religious affairs and decorating new apartments. For you to ponder:

Saturday, Sept. 9, 3:32 PM: "The members of a loud band playing on the sidewalk in front of St. Brigid's Church were told to stop playing until Mass was over at 5PM."

Saturdy, Sept. 9, 9:53 PM : "A verbal warning was issued by police to people at the Jewish Community Center playing loud music at a bar mitzvah."

Sunday, Sept. 10, 1:21AM: "Police issue a citation to the driver of a vehicle stopped on Triangle Stree that had an orange construction barrel inside it."

Tuesday, Sept. 12, 12:43AM: "Two people walking with traffic cones on North Pleasant Street near Ren's Mobil were advised to return them to a construction area outside the downtown bars."

Tuesday, Sept. 12 10:22AM: " A Main Street woman called with a complaint about a dead and gutted squirrel that was left on her doorstep, which may have been retaliation for noise complaints she had made against her neighbors."

Or maybe it was a friendly cat!

Space Ship Lands ....

2006-10-08T13:24:00.001-04:00

This did look like a space ship parked in front of Brueggers this morning. When I stopped to inquire I discovered it was a Lamborghini whose very kind driver was visiting a local Lamborghini client.

My only other picture of a Lamborghini is a tractor I saw parked by a vineyard along the Camino de Santiago back in 2000.

Tractors were Lamborghini's original product line.

Best of the Police Report Sept 1- 21

2006-09-30T22:42:00.000-04:00

This week's report had an animal orientation with a rural flavor that included six hay bales and a mattress lost on local roads:

Sept 21, ---- : "Cows loose in the middle of South Maple Street at 12:58AM were not located by police. At 1:40AM, police found the owner attempting to corral them." [Hadley]

Sept 21, 2:09PM: "A fox missing much of its fur was seen in a field near Middle Street " [Hadley]

Sept 5 2:10PM: " Police took a report of a terrier type dog wandering in the area of Puffton Village wearing a sweater."

Sept 1, 7:09AM: " A woman was seen sleeping on top of a bicycle on Belchertown Road. Police found the woman , who was just trying to locate a piece of the bicycle that had fallen from her bicycle."

Sept 5 , ---- : " Ongoing problems were reported by a Mill Valley resident who said neighbors might be stealing items, including shoes."

If the date selection and sequences seem odd to you, they are.

Rock God From Planet Z

2006-09-27T23:02:00.000-04:00

This un-retouched photo was taken by an amateur photographer yesterday just past the beaver dams on the Amherst Belchertown side of the Norwottuck bicycle path. Can this be real? Is this an invasion? Do you see how the green things appear to be landing? I don't think they are here for the foliage! There's more.....

Three miles away I found the rock pictured below. It is so unusual to my New England trained eye that I am convinced it is from another planet. My geologist friends [who have not actually seen the rock] laugh at me, and say it is simply a glacial erratic. That could explain how it got to the bicycle path, but what about those pockets? My geologic imagination sees them as trapped gas bubbles in cooling molten material from a thousand million years ago when volcanos were sending lava all over Amherst, Pelham, and Hadley. After that a broken piece of lava was smoothed down to its current size by waves on the beach of Lake Hitchcock. Finally, a glacier delivered it to the bicycle path, like all the other rocks around here.

However, given evidence of swamp hovering UFO's , I prefer the more reasonable proposition that green spheroid seekers from Planet Z, have ventured across nebulae, galaxies, and time warps in search of a great god, prophesied in their planetary lore. Now they have found their beloved lost god who wandered off Planet Z eons ago, behind the Hampshire Mall ... IN OUR BACKYARD!

Geologists, you are accustomed to outrageous propositions! Please weigh in....

Blue Heron in Hadley?

2006-09-26T00:16:00.000-04:00

No its not a turkey! Unless they are reproducing madly, this blue heron has wandered into Hadley from the swamp on the Amherst Belchertown side of the Norwottuck bicycle path. I found him flying and walking along a water-filled ditch between the corn and the bicycle path behind the Hampshire Mall near Target, near where Walmart wants to build a megastore.

Shouldn't the local Walmart and Target be encouraging more customers like this by emulating the Chicago Walmart branch which is greening their 67,000 square foot roof,
creating more habitat?

Immigrant Nation - Massachusetts Style

2006-09-24T17:28:00.000-04:00

A moment of anti-immigrant Massachusetts shame that happened almost a hundred years before Sacco and Vanzetti has been ressurected. The 1st Annual Western Mass CeltFest, taking place at Look Park this Saturday (the 23rd) is "inspired by the execution of two Irish immigrants in Northampton 200 years ago. James Halligan and Dominic Daley.... [who ] were convicted and executed in 1806 for the murder of Marcus Lyons of Wilbraham....[and] were eventually exonerated by Governor Michael Dukakis [a Greek] on St. Patrick's Day in 1984." The event hopes to increase community awareness of how prejudice, bigotry and racial animosity can influence thought, social behavior and government action.

In God we trust, but sometimes you need a really great lawyer, and even at that, you are not going to get that fair trial, eh? Could someone at least get the Irish Sacco & Vanzetties their post-humous recognition on Wikipedia???

Best of the Police Report August 29 - 30

2006-09-23T16:35:00.000-04:00

Interspersed with numerous incidents of minors in possession of alcohol, violations of the town keg, open container and noise bylaws, [welcome back minors!] were these equally minor, and not terribly interesting incidents:

August 29... 5:11AM ...Bushes, a car, and the front porch were all found covered with toilet paper at a Northampton Road location.

August 30... 10:48AM ...Two men crawling through the window of a South Prospect Street home checked out OK.

August 30... 1:57PM ...A Jeffrey Lane resident was notified that her dogs were again loose and chasing cows.

Far more interesting were the Fire Department's calls to duty for dozens of incidents of smoke alarms triggered by paint, steam, and bad cooking, including two incidents of burnt popcorn.

Pipczynski Szawjkowski Wojtowicz Szafir Wysinski & Howe

2006-09-22T16:40:00.000-04:00

Dominating the obituaries in the Amherst Bulletin this week were these honorable nonagenerians of the Polish community:

Cecylia Pipczynski Szawjkowski, 99
Born in Hadley, daughter of Andrzej and Zofia Soldanski Pipcsynski...moved back to Poland when she was three...oldest resident in town of Hadley....holder of a Gold Cane from the town...survived two husbands, Walter Szwajkowski and Jozef Budka...survived by 17 grandchildren, 37 great-grandchildren, and 11 great-great-grandchildren, nieces and nephews, daughter Veronica Kozalkowski of Hadley,two sons Piotr and Josef Szwajkowski both of Poland.

Edward M. Wojtowicz, 90
Born in 1915, son of Teofil and Mary Ziobro Wojtowicz....lifelong resident of Amherst... well known contractor and home builder with brothers, Stanley and Ted...served in the US Navy from 1936 to 1939, and 1943 to 1945 in the Pacific...famous for his tomatoes, strawberries, and raspberries which he sold from a roadside stand..loved fly fishing...met Ted Williams...maintained a tree farm in Leverett...was always seen around town driving his red pickup truck...and is survived by Louise, his wife of 63 years.

Statia Szafir Wysinski, 90
Born in Hadley, 1916 ....daughter of Stanly and Anna Antosz Szafir... moved to Northampton upon marriage to Joseph Wysinski a fireman for the city...worked in the cafeteria of the Northampton school system...lifelong communicant of St. John Cantilus Church in Northampton...survived by daughter Nancy Wysinski,and many nieces, nephews, great-nieces, great-nephews, and cousins.

Scrabble enthusiasts, weep. The Polish have us beat in consonants...and in potatoes, polka, and passing on. Way to go, wonderful lives, great stories -- and thanks for leaving us the "Q".

Polish Potatoes of the Pioneer Valley

2006-09-22T09:38:00.000-04:00

The Pioneer Valley is full of Polish people. You've seen their names: Kuzmeskus school busses, Kozikowski and Szawlowski on potato trucks. If you have more pictures of Polish-ness in the Pioneer Valley, I would love to hear from you!

Best of the Amherst Police Report -- August 18 - 23

2006-09-16T15:08:00.000-04:00

Interspersed with numerous reports of noisy students, sick raccoons, loose dogs, dogs locked in cars, and suspicious activity found to be gone when police got there, were these, as compiled by Scott Merzbach in the Amherst Bulletin of September 15, 2006:

August 18. 4:12PM ... A man jogging on Bridge Street told police he was nipped on his shorts by two loose poodles.

August 18. 9:25PM... Police got a report of a man lying in a parking space on North Pleasant Street and giving women a hard time while they tried to park their car there.

August 19. 2:09AM... A man attempting to hitchhike while standing in the middle of College street was moved to the sidewalk.

August 20. 10:20PM... A man who claimed he was hit in the face with a gun and robbed of his wallet and had to get away by swimming across Puffer's Pond was found stuck in the weeds and mud at the edge of the pond.

August 22. 8:03PM... Police took a report of people throwing batons that were on fire on the Town Common. Police determined they were professional flame jugglers.

August 23. 12:29PM... People opening boxes of honey at the Fiber Art Center found one with a ticking sound inside it. Police determined it was a defective music box shipped with the honey.

Canadian Crime: SUV Kidnapping: :

2006-08-24T09:12:00.000-04:00

The second installment in the series. ...Just when you thought it was safe to drive in Canada: this one.

Canadian Crime: Boatjacking Bears

2006-08-02T10:37:00.000-04:00

The terrorist threat is clear: Canadian bears have graduated from gateway misdemeanors like garbage picking to perfectly felonious assault: boatjacking:

Marty Descoteaux sees the beasts often near the city of Elliot Lake, about 150 kilometres west of Sudbury. So he wasn't surprised last month to spot one swimming near his boat on Esten Lake, just outside the city.
When Descoteaux reached rocks he looked back and was shocked to see his 5-metre aluminum boat speed past. While the bear was exploring the boat, it had hit the throttle.
The pilotless craft ran in circles for a half-hour until it ran out of gas. Descoteaux, 35, swam out 21/2 kilometres to recover the boat and had to use its electric trolling motor to slowly glide back to shore.

-Toronto Star Aug 2, 2006

Better Know a Zip Code ????

2006-04-01T10:51:00.000-05:00

What are the chances Stephen Colbert will create a new feature called "Better Know a Zip Code", and interview me for 01002?

With more than 43,000 zip codes.... well, do the math... this fellow has memorized 30,000 of these zip codes!

Help, dear readers?????

Andrew Honors Emily

2006-04-01T10:43:00.000-05:00

Andrew Sullivan, normally a political blogger, digressed to spring time, and chose my words to caption his lovely blossoms. Thank you, Andrew!

Brokeback Mountain Sheep

2006-03-21T11:28:00.000-05:00

These sheep are from Amherst. They and the sheepdogs were the stars of the Sheep Dog Trials held here last year in October. But whose sheep starred in Brokeback Mountain?

I searched the credits, and found not a single mention of those sheep who, I have to say, made the movie. They deserved an Oscar, or at least some credit.

The Bagpipe Who Didn't Say No

2006-01-09T09:27:00.000-05:00

Emily recommends The Bagpipe Who Didn't Say No. Other very sweet Shel Silverstein poems, sure to please the young at heart, are available on this poetry afficianados site.

Twas' the Evening of Solstice

2005-12-25T11:56:00.000-05:00

Twas the evening of solstice, when all through the tribe,
Not a creature was stirring, not even the scribe.
While others were busy, driving their cars,
Faithful old pagans, were viewing earth’s star.

In a field out in Amherst, in ice, stone and snow,
We’d gathered and waited amid stones we would know.
When up on the ice, there rose such a clatter
We turned to the center, to see what was the matter,

She was booted and hatted, and holding a broom,
Speakers, and candles, and umbrella of moons.
“Gather good pagans, in the sunwheel of stone,
Where solstice and sun, mark winter’s full bloom.”

The sun dropped a notch, And further she spake,
Of her words and her waving, much one could make.
“The sun arcs the lowest, this shortest of days,
The sun seems the stillest, from our earthly gaze.”

Our feet were quite frozen, as we slipped and we played,
Watching our shadows, past sun’s fading rays.
Then came the time, when sun lit the rink,
Orange stone setting, past purple and pink.

We all rested quiet as sun slipped away,
Secure in belief of return the next day.
We raised up our flasks, libations we drank,
We clapped in the sunwheel, to send up our thanks.

The priestess spun round with twinkle and wink,
“The solstice makes sense, if only you think.
Come back for the moon, it rises tonight.
“Happy Solstice to all, and to all a good night.”

Worth Twenty Thousand?

2005-12-17T09:34:00.000-05:00

"Twenty Thousand" is a modern O'Henry, a "Gift of the Magi" set in 2005. An impoverished mother with toddler and infant, drives the snowy NH Turnpike in a desperate trip to beg money from her parsimonious husband at his National Guard station. With her last dollar, a coin of great sentivmental value, she pays the toll. When the couple try to retrieve the old coin, the toll collector won't give it up.

The husband blames his wife for losing it. "You shouldn’t have spent it."

This story appeared in The New Yorker this week, and I have not been able to find it online. Good luck, its a great story.

Better Know a Pol

2005-12-15T09:10:00.000-05:00

I've adapted perfectly modern political life! I watch the Daily Show and the Colbert Report and I have memorized the names of all the Senators, finding that three states are represented exclusively by women -- I did want to participate in the legislature in my own day.

*SiGH*!!

Checking In To The Library?

2005-12-14T11:09:00.000-05:00

Most people check out of the library. Well today I checked in at the Jones Library.

Emily Dickinson scholars head straight to Special Collections where my best bits are archived. I am working on a "Big Trees" project, which would make some of the living giants in Amherst, Sunderland, Hatfield, etc, like little doorways onto an earlier time.

Tevis and Kate overwhelmed me with special catalogs, indices, bibliographies, microfiches, books, journals, manuscripts and ephemera relating to local history. The Amherst Bulletin and its antecedents are indexed to 1776!

Called Back

2005-12-13T11:36:00.000-05:00

I would like to thank the wonderful people who maintain the Dickinson family plot in Amherst. And to whomever left the little yellow bird on the tree --- thank you!

I am overwhelmed and flattered, too, by the attention paid to me by the 'bloggers' --- whose company, by the good graces of Clarissa, I have joined.

I enjoy the speculation on whether I would have been a blogger in the 1850's .. such a thought when we barely had electricity! Back then, the telegraph, dear readers, was our internet! But I am here, now, and writing again.

I Have Returned

2005-12-11T21:54:00.000-05:00

It has been some time, dear readers, since my birth, December 10, 1830. One hundred seventy five years is not a blink, yet it is not so very long ago. I was so touched by the wonderful birthday celebrations yesterday. What wonderful roses! Thank you, devotees. I hope you are all pleased that I have finally come home.

After the festivities Clarissa, a dear dear friend of Lavinia's, who keeps up with the times, described to me the modernities that have come to pass in the hundred or so, well, hundred and nineteen years since my passing. From Edison to Gates --- yes, it is a new age! A Renaissance, and I am drawn to it.